Dear Lynne

This is the first in a series of columns that will be published here on the Promise Blog and also in the Oneida Daily Dispatch.

Dear Lynne,

My 16 year old daughter has been acting very strangely. She used to enjoy our time together as a family but now she gets moody and angry. I am worried that she is starting to hate me and that I may lose her. She spends more and more time with her friends and I don’t really know her anymore. When I ask questions about where she is, she gets mad and shuts me out. I want a better relationship with my daughter. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Maggie
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Dear Maggie,
Fear not! Your daughter IS in there somewhere.
Adolescence is a time filled with change, both for children and parents. Parents watch as their children naturally gravitate more toward their peer groups, away from family focused activities that once brought everyone great joy. This time can be confusing and frustrating for parents. In addition to the multitude of biological changes which keep children guessing about their own reactions, priorities and feelings, they feel an urge to define themselves as individuals and express themselves in ways that may leave others scratching their heads.
Why the sudden change?
Did I do something wrong?
Why does my child act like they hate me?
If anything, your child should be angry that limits are being placed on them. It’s natural that they would be resistant if they think you are stepping on their turf and interfering on their freedom. I always say “If your teen really likes you all the time, you are probably doing something wrong”. That being said, I don’t want you to read this and perceive that having a positive, trusting relationship between you and your child is wrong. It is healthy in a developmental sense that your child wants to invest themselves more in relationships outside the immediate family. They just need you to monitor and supervise them; like holding the stick for someone venturing into quicksand.
It is also natural that during this time, children and teens test those around them, especially the people they trust and value the most. That’s why it is more important than ever to give children clear limits and expectations for their behaviors. Don’t take her behaviors personally. What annoys her now in regard to your menacing insistence on being nosey will teach her in the long run that she is worth protecting and she will have a template for making her own safe decisions. Adolescence is a time when your parent/child relationship goes into hibernation. Spring will likely come after your daughter has experienced life as a young adult and her personality will hopefully thaw.

Best of luck to you!

Sincerely,
Lynne


Lynne Bialas is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who practices out of Rome, NY. She works extensively with parents, children and teens on family and individual issues. Write to Lynne by sending submissions to : BRiDGES, attn: Dear Lynne, 3059 Seneca Turnpike, Canastota NY 13032